New local centenarian and prominent citizen Steve Huzman celebrated his hundredth birthday today with his grandchildren. Ever the entertainer, Dr. Huzman kept the youngsters enthralled with tales from his prankster past in the early 2000s.
“Gather round children, let me tell about GGFox2007 and how I outfoxed the cunning noob.” He went on to spin an epic yarn about an immense man vs man “1 v 1” match in a hollow gulch filled the blood of fallen digital combatants. Although he was inevitably defeated 25-24, he eventually deduced that his opponent had hacked into the entire network infrastructure of Microsoft to achieve his victory.
Thus he decided to use an old trick he had picked up on 4chan, a local message board where he occasionally pretended to be racist as a clever satire of racism. He procured the cheating fox’s address from the internet and rang up the local police office on his “burner” cellular telephone. Drawing deeply from a helium to hilarious effect, “Excuse me officer… I’m a afraid there… has been… a kidnapping.”
In all his years on this planet, Dr. Huzman never did find out what happened next but he delighted in retelling how it might have gone down. Affecting the nasally New Yorker of the day, “Oh, hello. Mister Swat Team. Mister Swat Team, I’m so sorry. Mister Swat Team, please don’t hurt me. Mister Swat Team, I’m so frightened. Look at this. There is pee in my pants. You wouldn’t hurt a poor gay man with glasses and pee pants, would ya Mister Swat Team?”
Whilst the rest of us were rolling on the floor, the cleverest and littlest Suzie Huzman, age 5, needed to know more. “Grampie Huzman, what else happened?” she asked. “I don’t know, sweetie.” he said into her inquisitive eyes. “What if he was surprised? Would he have poop pants?” she said. Fighting back the chuckles, he responded “Maybe. Or… well…” Staring off into the middle distance, tears of joy welling up in his eyes he whispered quietly “Well, this old man can dream.”
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