President Trump took Airforce One out on Thursday to visit the West Texas tent city where he keeps hundreds of his kidnapped refugee children. He plans to personally oversee the final setup of a massive haunted house built on the outskirts of the camps. “This is going to be the spookiest, scariest, ookiest haunted house the world has ever seen.” said Trump at a press conference orchestrated in front of a table of chainless chainsaws.
While the exact contents of the haunted house are considered state secrets, some details have leaked out. Senate democrats took Trump to task on social media when it came out that Trump had trashed over ten thousand dollars worth of fake cobwebs. Press Secretary Sander later explained that the cobwebs were a necessary loss as they looked cheap and distracted from Trump’s vision of an arthouse horror haunted house. More recently, sketches appeared on the official White House website indicating that Trump intends for each room to play upon a common horror trope: mad scientist laboratory, haunted hospital, evil relative’s house, etc.
Despite dwindling poll numbers, President Trump is confident about the good the haunted house will do for both the children and his public image. In rare show of vulnerability speaking about his legacy President Trump said “When people remember me, I want them to remember the good things. I’ve done so many good things. Fantastic things. But this, this is a great thing I’m doing for these children I kidnapped.”
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