The past thirty-four months have seen a stark rise in suicide rates as well as involuntary inpatient admissions due to mental health concerns. Rate increases were largest in the 18-30…
Dystopia
Your Mom Feels The Need To Remind You About Mass Shootings
Earlier today, upon being notified via phone call that you were en route to a large public gathering, your mom choose to remind you about the ever present danger of…
Man Dives Headfirst Into Long Running Political Discussion Thread
Local computer user, Steve Gunderson has announced his plans to put aside his rewatch of season 7 of Gilmore Girls and, instead, spend this week getting up to date with…
Time Traveler From Distant Future Has Zero Questions About Trump
As you likely all know, the scientific community has been celebrating for the past week after plucking one random individual from far in the distant future and bringing him to…
As You’re Watching The Democratic Debate Tonight, It’s Important To Remember That Mario Maker 2 Unlocks At 9PM PST
The second democratic debate is set to air tonight at 6PM PST and will feature the current two front runners for the Democratic party’s nomination, former Vice President Joe Biden…
Biden Announces Roadtrip Centric Plan To Heal Nation
Since the 2016 election, a number of think pieces have pointed out the lack of “specific policy” as the fatal of the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign. Clearly looking to not…
I Enslave Forty-Five People And I Too Struggle
I was lucky enough to inherit ten slaves that were paid off but, in order to expand, I’ve had to take out mortgages to purchase the other thirty five. In …
In less than twenty four hours, the redacted version of the Mueller Report will be presented to Congress and the White House is currently preparing for how to deal with…
America’s Aunts Day – Today We Celebrate The End Of Autism
Today is America’s Aunts Day and whilst many of the younger generations may only know this as another day off school, we should never forgot the lessons of this day.…
Robert Mueller Forces The Onion Staff To Work Over Weekend
Earlier today, Robert Mueller turned in his much anticipated report on Russian interference in the 2016 election to the Attorney General William Barr. We will likely not know the full…