According to statisticians with the Department of Mathematics at Cornell University, it is highly likely that the first mass shooting of 2020 has just now been reported. While it is statistically unlikely that we have any details on the suspect or the extent of the incident, we would urge caution for those in the area. Please seek out safety in an area where a second mass shooting is statistically unlikely to occur.
A collaboration between the Department of Mathematics and the Department of Psychology has determined that it statistically likely that this first mass shooting will occur during a range of time when people’s optimism is at it’s zenith.
At approximately the same time as our colleagues at the department of mathematics have determined it likely to occur, people in the area will be experiencing a combination of liberal alcohol usage, a general party atmosphere, perhaps a nearby romantic partner and a new year suddenly appearing on their phones. It’s a perfect storm of optimism. People will think this year will be different.
Steven Gunderson, Department of Psychology at Cornell University
And these people will of course be proven wrong or be found deceased.
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