In less than twenty four hours, the redacted version of the Mueller Report will be presented to Congress and the White House is currently preparing for how to deal with…
Daniel
Man Volunteerly Wastes Time To Complain About His Time Being Wasted
Steve Gunderson, a local man, volunteerly blocked out time today to phone in a complaint about his service at a local electronics store. Reports indicate he turned off the television…
Cashiers Keenly Observe Your Purchases, Looking To Pass Judgement
We all know this but why is it that no one talks about it? We’ve all been there. Maybe you’re buying condoms. Maybe you’re buying liquor. Or maybe you’re just…
America’s Aunts Day – Today We Celebrate The End Of Autism
Today is America’s Aunts Day and whilst many of the younger generations may only know this as another day off school, we should never forgot the lessons of this day.…
I’m Beginning To Doubt That Ball-Cancer Diagnosis From Yesterday
Now that I’m done crying and all my family has been informed, I’m beginning to have my doubts. I mean who actually volunteers a “ball-cancer” diagnosis at the end of…
Jordan Peele Teases Alternate Cut Of “Us” Where Nothing Bad Happens
The “vacation cut” is very much about a normal African American family enjoying a normal family vacation.
Robert Mueller Forces The Onion Staff To Work Over Weekend
Earlier today, Robert Mueller turned in his much anticipated report on Russian interference in the 2016 election to the Attorney General William Barr. We will likely not know the full…
So there.
Investors Urge Microsoft To Invest In Midnight Meat Trains
Last year, we reported on Amazon’s proposal to automate and replace our country’s aging Midnight Meat Train system. Their system has only rolled out in a few test cities so…
Man’s Death Heralded As Fantastic Metaphor
As an obvious metaphor for the current political and economic divide, this story has electrified social media. Prominent twitter user and Vice columnist Austin Walker received over ten thousand twitter …