Fresh off spending the morning opening birthday presents from his parents, Steve Gunderson is currently hanging out in his local Starbucks and thinking about the passage of time. Whilst he …
What’s Happening?
I Enslave Forty-Five People And I Too Struggle
I was lucky enough to inherit ten slaves that were paid off but, in order to expand, I’ve had to take out mortgages to purchase the other thirty five. In …
Overwatch Sees Dramatic Increase In Lucio Play Today
Overwatch’s weekend server maintenance crew is currently monitoring a dramatic nearly 800% increase in Lucio usage that began early today, just after midnight on the East coast of the United …
Women With Neon Hair, They’re Just Like Us
In this modern culture that is so obsessed with looks, it is easy to write off or mystify people based upon how they look. I know I’ve definitely been guilty …
In less than twenty four hours, the redacted version of the Mueller Report will be presented to Congress and the White House is currently preparing for how to deal with …
Man Volunteerly Wastes Time To Complain About His Time Being Wasted
Steve Gunderson, a local man, volunteerly blocked out time today to phone in a complaint about his service at a local electronics store. Reports indicate he turned off the television …
Cashiers Keenly Observe Your Purchases, Looking To Pass Judgement
We all know this but why is it that no one talks about it? We’ve all been there. Maybe you’re buying condoms. Maybe you’re buying liquor. Or maybe you’re just …
I’m Beginning To Doubt That Ball-Cancer Diagnosis From Yesterday
Now that I’m done crying and all my family has been informed, I’m beginning to have my doubts. I mean who actually volunteers a “ball-cancer” diagnosis at the end of …
Jordan Peele Teases Alternate Cut Of “Us” Where Nothing Bad Happens
The “vacation cut” is very much about a normal African American family enjoying a normal family vacation.
Robert Mueller Forces The Onion Staff To Work Over Weekend
Earlier today, Robert Mueller turned in his much anticipated report on Russian interference in the 2016 election to the Attorney General William Barr. We will likely not know the full …