September 16th marked the first day of Barron Trump’s biweekly trip to the White House and he appears to have made quite the find for White House historians. You see, Barron Trump has never quite been like the other kids. While other kids at the White House were out playing on the front lawn and getting into trouble, Barron liked to spend his evenings reading a good book, safe and secure. Where only his imagination was in any danger at all.
That all changed when he discovered a set of old blueprints for the White House whilst rummaging around the basement, looking for tools for his science experiment. This time it was going to be different. Barron was going to ask Kirsten Miller, the most popular preteen girl at the White House and secret map-nerd, to help him find a mysterious blank spot on the blueprints.
After he repeatedly swore to never tell any of her cool friends about her undeniable love of maps, Kirsten agreed to help search, clearly suppressing her map glee. Using Kirsten’s trusty bobby pin to pick the lock on the big chain that locks up the west wing at night, Barron and Kirsten set out to examine every inch of the area surrounding the blank spot on the map. They were just about to give up when clumsy nerd Barron bumped into a bookcase, possibly because he had been staring at Kirsten’s hair for twenty minutes. “Are you okay, Barron? Hey, what’s this?” she said. Dialogue that would forever change White House history. Because behind this bookcase was a long forgotten door, barely concealed by decaying wallpaper.
After furiously ripping off the wallpaper, Barron and Kirsten stood in awe of the ominous steel door that clearly no human being had seen in decades. “Well, we found it. Lets get going.” said Barron. “What? You don’t want to see what’s inside? Are you chicken?” said Kirsten. “No, I’m not scared. Are you?” said Barron. “No — You first.” said Kirsten. So Barron, with terrified Kirsten clinging to his arm, slowly inched his way through the door. Barron would later describe that moment as a mixture of “exhilarating and terrifying.” Exhilarating because he was finally being bold and breaking the rules. Terrifying because he had no idea what was behind the door. Also exhilarating because Kirsten was touching his arm. Also terrifying because Barron had an obvious erection. Once through, an excited Kirsten would let go of Barron’s arm and let out a “Wow!” Barron would just stand there, utterly amazed. Behind that steel door was an enormous long forgotten swimming pool, now empty and filled with cobwebs.
In the intervening weeks, the White House has moved quickly to restore the swimming pool to it’s former glory and ready it for a relaunch. Upon examination of other papers hidden in the basement, this reporter has determined that the pool was closed in 1983 after local White House preteen Johnny Gunderson drowned under mysterious circumstances. We asked Johnny’s older brother and long time White House custodian Richard Gunderson how he felt about the pool reopening and President Trump’s promise to take the first swim in the relaunched White House pool. Clearly a man of complicated feeling about this memory, Richard stood silent for a long time before a slight smile appeared on his face. “You know what, let’s just see how this goes.” said Richard. We respect the pain these memories must bring Richard and can only hope the reopening will bring him a sense of peace.
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